An Open Letter to ESPN

Dear ESPN,

As a loyal fan of your television station and website, as well as a follower of multiple blogs and Twitter accounts, I'd like to offer you a brief list of company suggestions.

Far be it from me to be the supreme jury of what is and is not considered a sport, but the following should never be spoken of in any of your various forms of media ever again: NASCAR, poker, the AFL, mixed martial arts, and Bassmaster. They are a consistent waste of my time, and evoke nothing more than an eye-roll from me when I see them on my cable guide. I actually switch channels when they're mentioned on Sports Center after immediately gaining ten pounds due to all of their fan bases largely consisting of fat old white men.

Second, the women that you choose to work as commentators need to be reconsidered. I may be coming off as a bit of a Goldie Locks here, but there has to be some middle ground between perfect tens who sound like airheads, and women who are simply quite unpleasant to look at. The main broad on Sports Center can only be considered a sight for sore eyes if the eyes which are viewing her haven't had vision for the past 50 years, and she's the first image they've seen since. Believe it or not, male-run corporation, there actually are attractive women in the world who have legitimate knowledge of sports. Find one and hire her, if you need a reference, I know plenty.

Last, take away Lil Wayne's blog. It's simply a platform for him to smoke copious amounts of weed, then dictate to a scribe a bunch of ramblings that make him look like an ass. It's really just cruel of you to encourage.

I hope these suggestions are seriously considered, as they would make generous improvements to your empire. If you'd like to pay me the big bucks to do some face-to-face consulting on these issues, I'd likely oblige.

Sincerely,

Sarah

Dealing With the Collapse of the Hawks

There's a scene in the movie "Legally Blonde" where the character Elle (Reese Witherspoon) is going through a tough, unforeseen breakup. While sulking in her bedroom watching soap operas, a character on the show she's watching starts professing his love for a woman. Elle snaps, throws the box of chocolates she's gorging on at the television, and screams "LIAR!". This scene is strikingly similar to what will be taking place at my apartment while watching highlights of the 2010 Blackhawks' Stanely Cup Final game.

Buff. Versteeg. Lad. Burish. Eager. Fraser. Madden. The team that I fell in love with, all gone. The team that I watched while having the game of hockey explained to me in the first place, all gone. And as the bad news just keeps rolling in, I've managed through the seven stages of grief, courtesy of some website intended for those losing a family member, naturally with some of my added expertise thrown in. However, these folks generally only lost ONE loved one. I lost seven.

7 Stages of Grief...

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

Using a work trip to the Bahamas as an excuse to avoid ESPN.com at all costs is an acceptable for of denial. Also, unfollowing Jesse Rogers' Twitter is helpful as well.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

Getting wasted on the Fourth of July and finding the one other Blackhawks fan in the state of Kentucky and then repeating the phrase "BUT I LOVED BUUUUUFFFFFF" may also be part of stage two.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back").

Anger due to the fact that you were LOYAL to this team and that just because they won a cup doesn't mean you're going to start being a Red Wings fan even though your close friends like them and the stupid boy who taught you all about hockey in the first place shattered your heart like glass at a game, but none of that means you're going to just up and leave the team is common during this phase as well.

SIDENOTE: I don't actually love the Hawks enough to give up drinking to bring back ANY of those players, so that's a pretty unlikely bargain.

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving. During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

You may look back on the good times. You may start referring to rejections from the opposite sex as "Niemi no-no's", or look up YouTube videos of big hits by Buff.

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

This may happen SLIGHTLY when Hjalmarsson is signed. But just slightly. You may still be totally pissed deep down.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

You may start looking up Wiccan curses that can be cast to the winning records of your loved one's new teams.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

You will never be the same person you were before, and your Ladd jersey is now considered to be vintage. Give it to the nearest hipster to be worn as an ironic shirt, and start preparing to explain next seasons losses on a "rebuilding year".

Ode to LeBron

LeBron James is such a tool,
Became a free agent and became too cool,
Took less money,
isn't that funny?
Now he just looks like a fool.

Could have stayed in the Buckeye State,
Now he's the man America hates,
abandoned his fans,
to go get a tan,
and play on the beach with his mates.

Could have played in Chi City with Rose,
Instead went to the Heat with his bros,
He hopes for a ring
To add to his bling,
I hope their next season blows.

Could have gone to play for the Knicks,
Decided on a team full of pricks,
Now he looks like an ass,
Bet the Heat comes in last,
And LeBron feels like a huge dick.

Had America watching for days,
All sports fans were in a craze,
Hope he breaks a bone,
And the King is dethroned,
And Miami burns down in a blaze.