Qatar Gets the 2022 World Cup, Fans Get Arrested

Hopping onto Twitter Thursday morning, the usual things were trending. Hash tags with stupid teenage musings, some of the day’s top news bits, and cultural goings-on. One particular blip caught my eye: “Quatar”.

“Oh, what’s that?”, I mused. Perhaps some athlete I hadn’t heard of, or a new teen idol just popping up onto the radar. Surely, I assumed, this had to be someone’s last name, some pronoun that hadn’t yet been added to my (rather large) vocabulary.

After a few clicks, I made two disappointing discoveries. First, Americans are idiots, and don’t know how to correctly spell the name of the Middle Eastern country of “Qatar’. Second, Qatar beat out America to host the 2022 World Cup.

Still riding the tidal waves of World Cup bandwagon fandom (see here for why I don’t actually care), American’s were heated to learn the tiniest country to ever host the event had beaten us out. Not to mention, they’re in the Middle East – a region of the world that, to Americans, is chocked full of negative connotations.

All bribery rumors and FIFA scandals aside, the most humorous aspect of the Qatar decision is one of their strictly enforced laws, pulled from the US Bureau of Consular Affairs:
Incidents involving insults or obscene language/gestures
often result in arrest, overnight imprisonment, and/or fines whether
the incident occurs between private parties or involves officers of the law.
Insulting someone in public is considered a punishable offense.

I literally laughed out loud when I read this. Hold your horses here for a second- has anyone in Qatar ever witnessed a soccer match?

It’s basically the epitome of obscene language and gestures. Soccer hooligans are infamous for their brutality of insults- not to mention fan-on-fan violence. Packing a bunch of rival European fans into a stadium in 110 degree heat (the average summer temperature in Qatar) and expecting them not to call each other every name in the book is about the equivalent of expecting the average American to find Qatar on a map.

I hope that in addition to plans for ten stadiums by 2022, Qatar is also planning about twenty times as many jails. It will certainly be interesting to see watch the number of fans in the stadiums slowly thin out as games progress, as they're hauled away by law enforcement.

One thing’s for sure, I’ll be all over the 2022 World Cup coverage – and not for the matches.

An Open Letter to ESPN

Dear ESPN,

As a loyal fan of your television station and website, as well as a follower of multiple blogs and Twitter accounts, I'd like to offer you a brief list of company suggestions.

Far be it from me to be the supreme jury of what is and is not considered a sport, but the following should never be spoken of in any of your various forms of media ever again: NASCAR, poker, the AFL, mixed martial arts, and Bassmaster. They are a consistent waste of my time, and evoke nothing more than an eye-roll from me when I see them on my cable guide. I actually switch channels when they're mentioned on Sports Center after immediately gaining ten pounds due to all of their fan bases largely consisting of fat old white men.

Second, the women that you choose to work as commentators need to be reconsidered. I may be coming off as a bit of a Goldie Locks here, but there has to be some middle ground between perfect tens who sound like airheads, and women who are simply quite unpleasant to look at. The main broad on Sports Center can only be considered a sight for sore eyes if the eyes which are viewing her haven't had vision for the past 50 years, and she's the first image they've seen since. Believe it or not, male-run corporation, there actually are attractive women in the world who have legitimate knowledge of sports. Find one and hire her, if you need a reference, I know plenty.

Last, take away Lil Wayne's blog. It's simply a platform for him to smoke copious amounts of weed, then dictate to a scribe a bunch of ramblings that make him look like an ass. It's really just cruel of you to encourage.

I hope these suggestions are seriously considered, as they would make generous improvements to your empire. If you'd like to pay me the big bucks to do some face-to-face consulting on these issues, I'd likely oblige.

Sincerely,

Sarah

Dealing With the Collapse of the Hawks

There's a scene in the movie "Legally Blonde" where the character Elle (Reese Witherspoon) is going through a tough, unforeseen breakup. While sulking in her bedroom watching soap operas, a character on the show she's watching starts professing his love for a woman. Elle snaps, throws the box of chocolates she's gorging on at the television, and screams "LIAR!". This scene is strikingly similar to what will be taking place at my apartment while watching highlights of the 2010 Blackhawks' Stanely Cup Final game.

Buff. Versteeg. Lad. Burish. Eager. Fraser. Madden. The team that I fell in love with, all gone. The team that I watched while having the game of hockey explained to me in the first place, all gone. And as the bad news just keeps rolling in, I've managed through the seven stages of grief, courtesy of some website intended for those losing a family member, naturally with some of my added expertise thrown in. However, these folks generally only lost ONE loved one. I lost seven.

7 Stages of Grief...

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

Using a work trip to the Bahamas as an excuse to avoid ESPN.com at all costs is an acceptable for of denial. Also, unfollowing Jesse Rogers' Twitter is helpful as well.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

Getting wasted on the Fourth of July and finding the one other Blackhawks fan in the state of Kentucky and then repeating the phrase "BUT I LOVED BUUUUUFFFFFF" may also be part of stage two.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back").

Anger due to the fact that you were LOYAL to this team and that just because they won a cup doesn't mean you're going to start being a Red Wings fan even though your close friends like them and the stupid boy who taught you all about hockey in the first place shattered your heart like glass at a game, but none of that means you're going to just up and leave the team is common during this phase as well.

SIDENOTE: I don't actually love the Hawks enough to give up drinking to bring back ANY of those players, so that's a pretty unlikely bargain.

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving. During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

You may look back on the good times. You may start referring to rejections from the opposite sex as "Niemi no-no's", or look up YouTube videos of big hits by Buff.

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

This may happen SLIGHTLY when Hjalmarsson is signed. But just slightly. You may still be totally pissed deep down.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

You may start looking up Wiccan curses that can be cast to the winning records of your loved one's new teams.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

You will never be the same person you were before, and your Ladd jersey is now considered to be vintage. Give it to the nearest hipster to be worn as an ironic shirt, and start preparing to explain next seasons losses on a "rebuilding year".

Ode to LeBron

LeBron James is such a tool,
Became a free agent and became too cool,
Took less money,
isn't that funny?
Now he just looks like a fool.

Could have stayed in the Buckeye State,
Now he's the man America hates,
abandoned his fans,
to go get a tan,
and play on the beach with his mates.

Could have played in Chi City with Rose,
Instead went to the Heat with his bros,
He hopes for a ring
To add to his bling,
I hope their next season blows.

Could have gone to play for the Knicks,
Decided on a team full of pricks,
Now he looks like an ass,
Bet the Heat comes in last,
And LeBron feels like a huge dick.

Had America watching for days,
All sports fans were in a craze,
Hope he breaks a bone,
And the King is dethroned,
And Miami burns down in a blaze.

My Top Five Favorite Sports to Drink During

While watching highlights from the world's longest tennis match, one thought came to mind: "Those fans must have been trashed by the end of that." Then, I realized that tennis spectators don't generally go to games with the high priority of getting drunk while watching. Then, I remembered why I generally don't care about tennis.

This got me thinking about my experiences going to sporting events. Some of the most fun time's I've had were watching sports that weren't necessarily my favorites. And with that, my top five sports to drink to.


5. Baseball

As I've mentioned a hundred times or so, I'm not the biggest follower of baseball. I think this probably has its roots in childhood T-ball, where I spent more time making bracelets out of dandelions than actually learning the sport. Living in Chicago, I've made my obligatory alliance to one team over the other, but have never gotten super invested in the sport. That being said, baseball games are long. This equals ample time to get sufficiently blitzed, which, for me, is the only way I'm going to stay interested in the game itself. Another added bonus for my fellow Cubs fans? Enough Old Styles can numb the pain of a loss...or 35.

4. Hockey

Personally, I think that part of the culture of hockey fandom is the copious amounts of drinking during games. It's almost expected that fans get drunk and rowdy, then cheer extra loud at the extra violent parts. It's simple, animalistic fun - and I'm completely okay with it.

3. Horse Racing

Churchill Downs, in my hometown of Louisville, is one of the most gorgeous, sophisticated race tracks in the country. Once a year it's also the sight of one of the sloppiest, drunken messes in the country: the Kentucky Derby. While in the pricey, expensive box seats rich women flaunt fancy Derby day hats and sip on mint juleps, the real party is in the infield. A complete shitshow of college students and parents alike, liquor is snuck in every way imaginable and then consumed in mass. It's wild, crazy, a little overwhelming, and should be experienced by everyone at least once in their life.


2. Golf

Let me preface this by saying how much I generally detest golf. I think it's boring, long, and mostly just boring. One summer after my senior year in high school I worked at a golf course back home. It was boring, hot, and boring. It definitely did not help me learn to appreciate the art of the game, but did show me why some people find it so much fun. The few times I went out on the course with friends on days off, we'd bring a cooler full of beers and generally reek havoc. And now, when I get phone calls from friends asking me to pick them up from one golf course or another because driving probably isn't a great idea, I'm generally more sympathetic to the game. And John Daly.

1. Any College Sport Ever

I really can't think of a college sport where painting letters on your chest and bonging beers in the parking lot beforehand wouldn't be considered appropriate. Football? Obviously. Basketball? Duh. Gymnastics? Why not? Chess? Absolutely. I never want to graduate.

The Inevitable World Cup Post

It would be nonsensical to keep a sports blog and not write about the World Cup. I've known this post was coming for a while now, and have been waiting for the right moment to strike. As I've joined the rest of the world in watching as many games as possible, catching "World Cup fever" and hearing vuvuzelas in my sleep, for a while I also had the mindset of many other American viewers: "I just wish I was in Europe right now watching this, it would be so much more fun!" I was convinced that watching a game from a pub or a town center would just be so much more legitimate than watching a game in America. America, where we don't care about soccer. It would be so much more gratifying to watch with real fans, not American bandwagon fans.

And then I got off my high horse and realized I'm a moron. I'm the number one bandwagon fan in the United States. I grew up with soccer being a huge part of my life, I genuinely enjoy watching games, but I definitely don't follow the sport year round. My sister's a high school soccer prodigy. I've been to more games in the last 16 years than I often care to remember, but when it comes to professional, I generally don't pay any attention until World Cup time.

But really, who does? Is there some rule that you have to put in a certain number of pre-World Cup viewing hours before you're allowed to cheer on your team as a real fan? I certainly don't follow curling on a regular basis, but that didn't stop me from turning Olympic Curling into a drinking game last winter.

And with that, a video that sums up American World Cup fandom better than I ever could.

Dear Lane Kiffin, Karma's a B*tch. XOXO, the Football Gods

If you've followed my blog, or know me in general, you know my extreme distaste for Lane Kiffin. The cocky little weasel (my favorite term of endearment for him) abandoned my team and left us high and dry with various NCAA and SEC violations after only one season. He left a sour taste in the mouths of Tennessee fans - and sports fans in general - ever since he high-tailed last January and ran back to Southern Cal, where he previously worked under Pete Carroll. So, not much could make me happier than hearing about the NCAA dropping the hammer on the University of Southern California this week. I believe my initial reaction was a simple, yet classic "HA!".

The untouchable U$C has fallen. A football program that's greasier than Chicago politics with a coaching staff and athletic director who think they're simply above following the rules has finally been put in their place. And this was no ruler slap to the knuckles. This was a full on haul-out-to-the-backyard-drop-your-drawers-and-take-a-beating-with-Daddy's-belt FOLLOWED by a lifetime grounding. Add to that the fact that every win they've had during they're current reign will now be looked it with skepticism from their now tainted reputation. It's easy to win when you don't follow the rules, and with a nearly 70 page report on all of the rules USC broke, it's no wonder they were the best.

And what was Lane Kiffin's response to the NCAA decision? An apology to fans, players and students followed by a promise to clean up the program? Of course not. Instead, he went on and on about how USC is the best, was the best, and will always be the best. His sentiments were echoed by former head coach Pete Carroll. Essentially both threw temper tantrums for the media, held their breath, whined about it not being fair, and ran to file an appeal.

Appeal, whine, cry, act shocked and upset. None of the show matters, boys, because you have now been officially branded with the title so many fans have unofficially given you for years: cheaters. So go ahead and try to rebuild the Trojan dynasty, because even if you use the millions Reggie Bush brought you to try to buy back some wins, no one will forget. Just ask Alabama.